Modesty: A Mindset
Recently, we had a relief society lesson on “Reverence for Sacred Things,” by Elder Ulisses Soares from the April 2025 general conference. The teacher asked if how we dressed influenced the reverence we felt in the temple or at church.
I was reminded of a story that happened with a temple president who spoke in our stake conference. He stood at our pulpit during the Sunday morning session and said, “I have been surprised to see how many young women come to the temple wearing thongs. Please don’t wear thongs to the temple.” You could hear an audible gasp in the audience. He went on to talk about thongs and how brides, especially, should not wear thongs to the temple.
The young women were appalled at what he said. After all, why was the temple president talking about their underwear? It was, to them, so inappropriate and embarrassing that he was speaking about underwear.
To the women my age, we knew exactly what he meant. He wasn’t speaking about underwear at all. He was talking about shoes, or flip-flops as they are now called. Back in the day, we all called them thongs. We wore thongs (shoes) to the beach, shopping, to the store, and to school. They were versatile and easy-to-wear footwear. I continued to call them thongs until my teenage daughters banned me from using that word anymore.
Why? Because the word “thong” had transitioned into meaning underwear. Unfortunately, our good temple president didn’t know that when he spoke at stake conference. Six months later, when we had our next stake conference, he again stood at the pulpit and apologized. He explained he was talking about shoes, nothing else. I’m not sure what was more comical–his original mistake or his explanation of it.
It does bring up the issue of how we discuss and define modesty and what is deemed appropriate to wear. I’ve heard many different definitions, including modesty defined as needing to wear pantyhose and that women’s bare legs aren’t modest–a strong opinion but not one supported by doctrine. When we teach application instead of doctrine, we can inadvertently send the wrong message. Definitions of modesty vary widely between age groups, which is why modesty discussions can be contentious, especially if we’re trying to adhere to a certain “set of rules.”
How do we define modesty? And, more importantly, how do we teach it to our children?
Years ago, we had lists of what was and was not considered modest. We’d have discussions on it in YW classes. We’d measure the length of skirts and sleeves. We’d make girls wear capris to summer camp and cover swimsuits with t-shirts. We’d tell visitors they couldn’t wear a sundress to church. We focused so much on the “list” or the mosaic aspect of modesty that we ignored the doctrine.
What is the doctrine?
Our heavenly parents created our spirits. Our spirits are joined with a physical body created by our mortal parents and then we are born into mortality. Our bodies are like temples because they house our very special and very important spirits. We have been blessed with these magnificent bodies and it’s our responsibility to care for them. That care includes respecting and honoring our bodies and remembering they are a gift from loving, kind heavenly parents.
Modesty isn’t just about what clothes to wear. Immodesty shouldn’t be a slur we throw out at people when we disagree with their clothing choices. Rather, modesty is the reverent feeling and gratitude we have for such a miraculous gift as a body. One-third of our spirit brothers and sisters will never have the opportunity to know what it’s like to have a body. It is a huge blessing for us that we have bodies and we should never take it for granted.
Modesty is a mindset. As we seek to be more like the Savior, we seek to be modest in our thoughts, actions, and behavior. We see our bodies as gifts to be treasured and honored and, in turn, will seek to dress them respectfully. Our dress is a reflection of our attitude about our bodies and how we want to present ourselves to others and to the Lord.
In my younger parenting days, I adhered to the “modesty rules” and failed to emphasize the beauty and gifts our bodies are. I focused on how long/short dresses were, if I could see their bellies, and if anything was too tight. I was observing the (modern day) “mosaic law” of modesty. I did the best I could with what I had, but if I could go back in time, I would teach modesty differently.
I would teach my children, boys and girls, to respect and honor their own bodies as well as others’ bodies. I would teach them to see their bodies as blessings and to always treat them with kindness and care. I would teach them that the way they dress shows honor to our heavenly parents and that we should always be striving to make choices that will allow the Holy Ghost to be our constant companion.
I would also teach them to look to the Lord, not the world, for their answers. To create a deep connection with Him and then seek His wisdom in decisions about how to take care of their bodies as well as how to dress them.
I would also counsel them to not make judgments about others and their clothing choices as I would remind myself to do the same. I always wanted people to see my children for their thoughts, talents, and divine qualities not what they were wearing. We are each responsible for our own choices and our own thoughts about ourselves and about others.
As parents, our children’s choices may indicate a struggle in some area and we would be wise to reach out to them in love and understanding. I think we are no longer in a “mosaic” era in The Church and when it comes to any aspect of the gospel, modesty or otherwise, it is best to teach them to live a higher and holier law, while also understanding they are still learning and growing and experiencing.
We should take the focus off the clothing and place it on how to respect and honor these wonderfully complex and miraculous bodies we’ve been given.
Modesty isn’t just about clothing choices, although that can be an aspect. Clothing choices are an outward sign of our inward feelings about ourselves and our bodies. The Lord wants us to focus on our divine qualities while we honor and respect the beautiful gift of our bodies.
Once we change our mindset and see that modesty is an attitude, we can begin to have better, deeper conversations about how to show reverence for our bodies.
